to all my loves, stay strong

It’s tiring, I know! It hurts, I know.
It saddens me to see an entire race still fighting for simple human respect, fairness, and justice.
It’s depressing to live this truth, day in and day out, knowing this is the world/government we live in.
It’s complete and utter bull—-, I know.

No matter what I have to stay calm at this moment.
I have to breathe in and out while I ache for those still fighting for justice.
In a place that we know to be home, the supposed land of the free.

Free for SOME to get away with murder.
“Free” as long as white supremacy exists.
Free for SOME to go jogging.
For SOME to freely wear a hoody.
For SOME to feel safe at home in their place of rest.

To not know THAT same freedom is scary.
To see the problems and live in it, as a black person, even scarier.
No matter we have to get through this.
We are more than capable, our ancestors have blessed us with this.
This fight, this strength, all come from the work made to bring you here.

I am here for you…
Lean on me, lean on each other.
Stand strong together.
This is not the end!

Elephants in the room.

2020, Hindsight is right! Let’s clear up a few things shall we. There are way too many elephants in the room. It is hard to keep up and even harder to stay positive and patient.

For starters, in early January the US President was “supposedly” impeached (all I will say about that). We lost the talented and driven Kobe Bryant, recently Regis Philbin the man I’ve watched on tv for so long passed. To hit closer to home, we have people left and right that are grieving all over the world for the loved ones they have too lost.

OH! Australia was literally on fire, like really? Lastly scary, the dangerous and risky pandemic that the entire world has been taken back by. To all the ones lost this year, may you rest in peace. There has just been so much, I had to stop keeping up.

This time in solitude, during these quarantine times, have been and will likely continue to be challenging and eye opening for most of us. The hard part is being distant and so cautious around those you love and typically see on a frequent basis. Trying to ensure the safety of those with an experienced or compromised immune system. It’s pretty scary if you ask me.

My goal at this point is to protect those around me and focus on what I can.Which by the way, is what I have been doing. This entire time. I just wear a mask now.

I want those of you who get caught up in this madness of what we call chaos, those who need to clear themselves of the worlds weight to just take a step back. Breathe.

Now as you are breathing think about what you can control, on what can you do while in a peace of mind to contribute to the environment, the world, awareness, general car and love. We truly have enough of the alternative.

It so depressing and if you allow it to, it can destroy you. I promise, I know.

Stay hopeful and kind my friends. Put out the same energy you want back. Speak up for whats wrong and do whats right. The rest will follow 🙂

I love you all! Until next time 🙂

A month of new-growth

No, silly. I’m not talking about the black coils strands from my dark-skinned scalp. I meant, from within.

I feel as though I have been able to absorb much more meaningful information. And not the typical workday information or “the tea” you think of. I’m talking about the things that help us work together. Whether we see them or not, it’s worth figuring out.

I’ve always been an observer. A manager of my mine and I used to people-watch in the airports on our breaks for fun. As I’ve been watching all of you out there. I see that we converse less. We shorten the English vocabulary on a daily. BUT YET ARE STILL MISUNDERSTOOD. How unfortunate it is to have come so far in the world, but only have science and technology to show for it. I am not sure how many times this can be repeated, but communication is key.

There are many things I have been pushing myself through these quarantine days. I am now ready to share it all — sorry I’ve been dragging along.

I’ve been addicted to this song, and recently cried tears of joy on my way to work. What hit home was the second verse.

“Tracin’ an old pattern
Drawing the lines from where I am and from where I wanna be
Forget that old adage
That history continues to keep us from the world we wanna see”

The song is called I can change by Lake Street Dive. It reminded me of the tough love that I later grew up to love. It made me more than I thought it ever could. Tough love isn’t always good — it was and still is a very big part of my/our community. As strong and determined as it made me, I do think I will lessen the blow for those to come after me.

I remember feeling like tough love was just how life was. Now I see that growing up with that normalized the tone, energy, reaction, choice of words, and so much more. To this day I am still recognizing how this normalization has hindered my clear/genuine communication with others.

Tough love comes from always having to do better, having to prove yourself to another, working harder than the next person, never getting a break, and so much more.

There is no blame to be found. That’s not what I want, nor is it what I am looking for. I PREFER to go with understanding — understanding changes everything.

No matter what it is, where you are, or how tough it is, we can still change. Some cycles need to be broken. Over time, the concrete will crumble.

Whatever it is. You can do it. We all can!

Only love!
Ohhsilly

Rebirth.

Good morning world.

Celebrating another year of life. Hoping to grow tall with wisdom, stronger with patience and consistent by working towards multiple forms of income. My goal is to be the best me EVERYDAY. Working to challenge yesterday me.

For those wondering, today I am twenty-nine years young. It’s weird to even say, honestly. I mean, my boyfriend questions my age on a daily basis. My numbers never seem to surpass the age seven years of age. Just to give you perspective, I just like to be silly and have fun. I’d rather spend the extra or burst of energy on something that provides joy.

Anyway, Im excited about this new year. my growth has continued to inspire and push me in so many ways. I am truly excited to say what the year brings! I cant wait to share!

Pushing through

That’s all I can really do.

Losing hope and positivity only affects me.

To move forward I must keep steady.

Move with that energy.

That’s all!

A needed come back.

This one time, in Life Camp, I needed to get my life together. I didn’t realized I was being stubborn and rebellious but my goodness I have made it! Self-growth is easier said than done, that can’t be expressed enough.

Things aren’t always easy, but you just have to keep going and don’t let the small stuff bog you down.

– Stella Maeve

There are a mixture of life experiences that took me away from myself. Losing yourself is the worst in my opinion, it brings everything else to a downward spiral. My depression and anxiety encouraged bad thoughts and toxic behavior. Work created a hostile, tense and uncomfortable spirit within me. A spirit worth banishing. Over time everything just felt pointless. I am not sure what or when there was a positive shift in me, but I am definitely grateful.

Now check me out. Here I am, with hope, peace and a will to keep on kicking! In this time, with the pandemic, I have been let go and on a path of enlightenment and self-growth.

Expect me to make the greatest come back ever!

Until next time! 🙂

Endometriosis & Me

I’m not really sure when the symptoms really started. I started my period when I was a young little thing. I was on my way to middle school. I was told it was tough. I believed it, heck I got to see it prematurely. My oldest sister had terrible periods. She’d lie on the floor in the fetal position, crippled by pain and vomiting. I was scared of her experience before I even made it to that time of my life. Soon after I was lying on the floor alongside my sister. I didn’t realize my heavy flow, persistent pain and vomiting were signs of something more serious. I just thought everyone had a week of pain and ridiculousness.

I looked pitiful lying on the floor. Wishing, crying and praying the pain would go away. I wasn’t lucky like some, where they have shortened periods, oh no. I was in for the full seven days. It resulted in me losing a bit of weight each cycle plus the exhaustion from it all. Later my pain got so bad that I was missing school and work. Heck, one day I was working through pain and nausea, the shift was extremely busy. I ended up passing out and was told to go home after the ambulance cleared me. I snacked to get my levels back to normal and eventually made it to my car. It didn’t stop there though. I proceeded to drive and didn’t make it 3 miles down the highway before I was overcome with chills. I then started to non-stop vomit and shake with chills. I wasn’t stuck there too long. A state trooper pulled up to check on what looked like a car in distress.

Walking up to my car the state trooper didn’t know what he was in for. Shaking like crazy, covered in sweat and gripping and plastic bag I was able to crack my window. He began to ask me questions, for some reason I couldn’t find the words. So I handed him my driver’s license and my phone, which I had already dialed a person of contact. He talked to my friend to inform them of what the situation was and called the ambulance. Within twenty minutes the ambulance and help from friends had arrived. I was in good hands.

After that crazy day, I had to get in and see a doctor. I then had an ultrasound and they found a cyst. Well, what they thought was a cyst. They told me it would take care of its self with time. It started off at the size of a dime and later enlarged to a golf ball. The pain was also more intense by this time. Years later I still had those crappy periods. The issues with this had turned me into a completely different person. Years later I gave in, this was not going to “take care of itself”. I requested, heck, I demanded surgery. I could no longer live with the pain of this so-called cyst and wanted it gone. It would solve all of my problems.

My surgery was set for April first. I was excited, scared, nervous and looking for answers. I almost chickened out in my hospital gown because I was so scared, ha, my mom could tell you. Waking up, I told my mom I changed my mind and she replied baby you’re done. I was in awe but at the same time relieved. I woke up to good news. I was informed that it was not a cyst. Following that the bad news was that I had been diagnosed with Endometriosis. The so-called cyst was a ball constructed of endometriotic tissue. Oh, and kicker, the last thing I caught, was that there is no cure. While they were in me they burned off the tissue and cleaned me out. The tissue they found was all over my stomach, uterus, fallopian tubes and more. You could say we wiped the chalkboard clean, to a certain extent. Over time it will come back and start to create issues but it can be managed better now. At this point I was over it, not only did the surgery not fix my problem but I had to live with this too.

After surgery, I was started on a drug called Lupron Depot. I was told it is the same strength as chemo treatment. It would suppress my period for six months. this would also relieve me of pain so I was super excited to start. It was in the form of a shot, not my favorite, so each visit wasn’t something I was looking forward to. A few months had past and I started to see the side effects they advised me of. My mood and personality were off, I was way more emotional. Oh and HOT FLASHES, that’s for the birds. I cannot deal! How do our ladies in the older community handle this?

Years after surgery and the depot, I have been managing my periods with birth control. Not to say it’s working but it does sometimes. My periods are hit or miss. I am currently on week five of my period. Mind you, I faithfully take my birth control every day. I just think my body no longer cares about the tiny little pills. When I mention it to people they are like, “How are you so calm?” To be honest, I try to be. This isn’t my first rodeo though, it has happened before, enough to count on two hands. The longest time I experienced my period so far is two months. Crazy right?

Since all of that, I have been doing more research on Endometriosis. I have joined support groups on Facebook and so much more. There are many resources out there for women with Endo, never feel alone.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Adulting: Health Concerns

I have been all over the place the past few weeks. Mostly with my health concerns on the rise. Have I ever stated adulting is hard? If not then there you have it. I’d love to be a child again, harassing my mom and getting into all kinds of ruckus.

Lately, I have experienced extended menstrual cycles, daily migraines, fatigue and random moments of nausea. The struggle has been real.

Now it’s safe to say, I have a new set of allergies that have been addressed. Migraines are down to every other day and everything else is really just trial and error. I have even started a health diary so that I can keep track of what and why things are happening the way they do.

I was also referred to a neurologist just in case the migraines weren’t caused by my new allergy friends.

It’s safe to say I am back to 80% and hopefully haven’t lost interest in my current followers. I’m totally getting my life together. 🙂 Hope you are too!

Until next time!
xoxo

What? Candy Sushi?

Randomly at the Harris Teeter, in the International aisle we saw this:

I immediately had to have it. I don’t even remember the price. We got home and I wasn’t sure how long I could wait to open it. I had already had so many sweets that day!

When we were ready, I thoroughly read the instructions and carefully opened the box of goodies. We were shocked to see several little packets of powder. I was about to embark on some form of experiment. We were super excited to see how it turned out and how it would taste.

First, we sat the white tray upright and filled the compartments with water, each had a fill line. Each labeled compartment had a packet to go with it. The “candy” rice along with the “candy” salmon roe was the most shocking. The rice fluffed up and created a rice-like texture within seconds of stirring. The salmon roe had two compartments – using a little suction bottle you would pick up the color and drop little balls into the next color to form a separate solid. I WILL NOT get into the science of any of this.

Tasting it was just as shocking as making it. The soft gooey texture of the rice with its sugary grit was interesting on our tongues. The omelet and tuna were made into slabs and scooped out of the tray. Adding the two to the rice made me feel like a sushi pro. That’s a bit of a stretch, but it was cute and fun – exactly what the box says.

My oldest nephew loves sushi and would likely love this little experiment/treat too. It was definitely fun to make. Can you make sushi? Even if its candy sushi, I’ll accept it.

Until next time 🙂

Hosting our first party

So the party was a success. There was enough space for everyone and way too much food. Even with all the stresses I had before the party, everything turned out just fine. I will go ahead and disclaim that I wasn’t able to get any pictures. I am terribly sorry. My partner and I were both running around trying to make sure everything and everyone were well. I mean, how does my partner, a professional photographer, and myself not get any pictures. Aghhh! I was so upset with myself after.

Hosting a party can drain so much energy from a person. As a Gemini, it was definitely easy to bounce back between people and conversations. The minor and awkward request for tours, snacks and other random needs were hard to keep up with. I mean, there were only two of us. Oh, we even made a last minute playlist to have as background noise. I don’t recall hearing one song other than when babe got the wifi speaker to work.

Again, because it was a small party, we only invited those who helped us move and close family members. There wasn’t a theme of any sort because we prefer simple, and the architecture of our place in a way naturally provided the aesthetic. We had yellow paper and plastic utensils ready for everyone. Apparently, I overdid the menu – I told everyone I would have light snacks. My mom made a luxurious hearty salad. It was a hit to many. My twin sister made two trays of deviled eggs – which were devoured within the first two hours. The rest was up to us. We had a fruit tray, a cheese tray, and a chicken tray. My lovely Jennifer, the Queen of baking, made me a carrot cake (one of my favorite cakes). We managed to get rid of most everything before the party even finished. We had a selection of adult beverages, OJ for my lovely Paul, water and other quick drinks. It’s safe to say everyone was satisfied with the choices overall. Maybe next time I will question the menu a bit more haha.

The fur babies handled everything well. Tails, unphased, did her own thing, which consisted of lounging and hiding in different areas. Yana, on the other hand, didn’t know what to do with herself. She wasn’t and still isn’t used to having that many people over. Sniffing everyone, feeling them out and waiting for food to drop. She was all over the place.

Speaking of all over the place. Somehow amongst everyone arriving and hosting, Yana managed to sneak out the front door. Not to worry, she is fine now. Our front door sits right by one of the entryway stairs to our building. She could have run off, but Instead, she stayed nearby and guarded the area. It wasn’t until someone was trying to get by that we heard her barking. It’s as if she was watching over the entrance. It was a scary yet laughter-filled moment for the guests and me.

His family can’t stop talking about how Tails is such a unique cat. Her hair, her eyes – everything. If she could understand I’m sure her head would explode with compliments. His family is so cute. They make me want to hug them all the time. I want them in teddy bear form, hah!

My family was in awe in the space, how we designed it and history from the building itself. My maternal grandmother came and remembered that her family members actually worked in this facility when it was originally a cotton mill back in the day. We thought it was insane how me living here created a full circle of generations to occupy the space.

The gifts were greatly appreciated. We received a mixture of things that were listed on our Amazon list. I originally didn’t have a list online until my family and friends started to insist on it. I filled the list with small house needs and appliances. Plus I put house games in the mix to make things cheaper. Games like UNO, Scrabble, Monopoly and so much more. No one ended up getting them. They chose more useful gifts, which we still appreciated.

All in all, it was a success. I had a great time with everyone that came. The mood was great! Nothing seemed rushed and I didn’t have to host mindless games to entertain my guests. Everyone seemed to be satisfied with the company we had as well as the shared vibes of celebration.